That’s what she told me, too. I know it’s the job. I’ve lost...
[ That list of names, that reel of faces. ]
I got her killed, John, her and our bombing fleet. All hands and six escorts. And I don’t even have the fucking— [ His voice starts to rise with those last words, and he stops, cutting himself off, calming himself down. His voice is slick with alcohol and guilt and grief. ] I don’t even remember it. I can’t even give them that.
Maybe that’s why you’re here. So you don’t make the same call when you go back. Or maybe not. I don't think we really know enough about how this place works to say.
[John’s experienced the effects of time travel first-hand. This isn’t the first time he’s blipped out of a timeline.]
You live, and you learn. That’s the punishment, and privilege, of surviving failure on the battlefield.
Her sister is still alive. Rose is back there, and I can’t... [ He’s listening. He is, but there’s a desperate urgency in his voice that says John doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand. ] I can’t bring Paige home. They came to us with nothing. All they’ve got is each other and the Resistance.
[ For a few seconds, Poe is silent, John’s words finally catching up, working their way through. For a few seconds after that, he’s just breathing, with the long inhale and short, gasped exhalation of someone who’s far too drunk for anyone’s good. ] God.
God, I can’t go back to our room like this.
[ He can’t be this person. He doesn’t want Rey to see it. He doesn’t want Finn to be disappointed by it. ] Fuck.
[ Poe tells him. It’s a dive bar, or as close to a dive as one can find in Riverview. Not Poe’s usual place. At Poe’s usual place, he never would have been allowed to drink himself this deep. They know him. They know his habits. And they don’t encourage mild drinkers into excess. ]
[John, true to his word, is there in ten. He drank himself into the same shameful state Poe's in, in the exact same dive, his first or second night in Riverview. It's the kind of bar that doesn't ask any questions. Doesn't care who you are, or where you're from. What you're drinking away. So long as you pay your tab, anyway.
Other than the ball, this is the first time Poe will see John out of uniform. He shows up in a t-shirt and jeans beneath a faded leather aviator.
Finding Poe isn't difficult. There's no one sitting near him. That's when you know someone's in a bad way.]
[ Poe has to get to his feet in steps. Ease the chair back, watch the world sway. Get his feet under him, look down to make sure they're where they need to be, pause again while his balance sloshes. Lever himself upright and try not to puke.
There's mercy in inertia, when you're as drunk as Poe is. Sit still, stay put, and you can pour drink over drink without feeling the consequences until you let the world back in. If you're lucky, you won't let it in much longer than it takes to black out.
Poe grips the edge of the table hard, staring at a single point on it until he can say with absolute certainty that the bar isn't doing pirouettes around him. ]
[John smiles to nobody in particular, because really, it's nobody's damn business, and pulls one of Poe's arms over his shoulders.
He's done this before. The walk of shame, and the carry. You don't have a career in the USAF if you don't drink. Getting shitfaced is part of the training regimen. You don't make it from cadet to airman without puking on your seargeant's boots at least once.]
I'm actually kinda impressed. You might be drunker than I was when I crawled out of this joint.
[ For a second, Poe hangs on to John like the other man is the only thing keeping the ground from opening under him and eating him whole. For a second it feels like that could happen. ]
Always scared me. When I’s a kid. [ He eases one foot in front of the other until they have their own kind of momentum. ] Lots of vets, Yavin 4. Dad knew them all. Dragged them back to the ranch sometimes. Lots of vets.
[Putting one foot in front of the other is all that matters right now. John walks as slow as Poe needs him to. They're in no rush. It's not like either of them has anywhere to be, but where they are.
If there was any question of how much Poe's drank, it's revealed by the size of his tab. John settles the bill with a flash of his device, and without blinking.
He's just sitting on his pay anyway, with nothing and no one to spend it on, other than the occasional toy. After years of trading with settlements, and only the occasional trip to Earth, money is less important to John than it's ever been.]
I grew up on a ranch too, but I'm thinking it was pretty different. We kept show horses, mostly. A few ponies. Some dogs. My old man liked to hunt.
[ Look where he is now. He's the drunk being carried home, to someone else's home. He's far gone enough that he doesn't notice John paying his bill--he's focused on the floor, on trying to keep the world as still and his nausea as controlled as possible. ]
Like fathiers. Racing? [ Poe starts to shake his head and stops just as quickly. ] We had banthas, runyips, nerfs. Milk and fur and meat. Mostly for the colony. Some exports--koyo melons, Yavin exported a lot of koyo melons. I miss those.
[ They're to the curb, at least, and Poe has to stop for a second. His grip on John tightens again. He's flicked back to the veterans Kes Dameron brought home when he thought his son was already asleep, safe and unaware. ] Hated it when they used to say they were sorry. But I know why they did, now.
Yeah, some racing. Mostly riding. I rode a lot when I was a kid.
Guess I've always liked to go fast.
[John stops when Poe stops. He knows better than to push him. Hopefully the fresh air will do him some good.
It's a crisp, slightly windy night. Good for flying. Decent for walking. It's only ten minutes from the curb to the import residence tower. If they make it from here to there without Poe passing out, he'll call it a win.]
Don't be sorry. This? This is nothing. I'm used to people who start swinging when they get a little hooch in them, and trust me when I say you don't want to fight a drunk Athosian.
Fast was always flying. [ He looks up, at the luminous planet overhead. It's a little bleary. The stars around it a little blurred. He feels an ache so fierce it's almost physical. ] Started when I was three. Parents got back from the war, mom....
[ He closes his eyes, swallows, feels another hot twist of self-loathing. This is not the legacy of Shara Bey. Not him getting drunk, not him losing that fleet. This is not the son he should be for her.
He lowers his head and almost, almost throws up. Starts to push John away just in case, but then he's got it under control, for the most part, except where he's tilting sideways, one leg giving out underneath him. ]
Born flying, huh? [John would say Poe was lucky, if he didn't know better.
For all his problems with his family, and his struggle to meet his father's expectations, John knows his childhood was charmed. He wanted for nothing, except for his father's acceptance and love. The latter of which John probably always had, to some degree. Even if he was a disappointment.
The boy who had everything, and threw it all away. Story of John's life.
Poe starts to go down, and John catches him mid-slide by locking both arms around his waist. He hauls him back up with a grunt, maybe a little too roughly, so they both go stumbling backwards.]
You're okay! You're okay. If you've gotta be sick, we can find a little privacy-
[He pat-rubs Poe's back reassuringly while looking over his shoulder for the nearest dark side street, just in case.
[ The second suppressed heave is answer enough to John's question. He hangs on to John's jacket, wordless in his focus on not vomiting all over his rescuer.
I'm sorry, he thinks, hating the words.
Poe presses his forehead against John's shoulder and shudders. ]
I gotcha, don't worry. Don't you worry about a thing.
[John will be doing enough worrying for the both of them.
He's hauling ass, his and Poe's, as quickly as he can to the mouth of the nearest alley. It's dark, and narrow, and if John stands with his back facing the road no one can see them.
John gently peels Poe away from himself, propping him against the brick wall, and supporting his upper back and stomach between his hands.]
Alright, here we go. Just let it all out. You'll feel better after. Promise.
[ For a second Poe thinks maybe he won’t throw up after all. Then his stomach muscles wrench and he’s bent half over, puking a cascade of liquid that’s more alcohol than bile. He hasn’t eaten in hours, not since before he settled in to baptize himself in shame. Another gag, another heave, another rush of lightheadedness and vomit. For a second Poe teeters on the edge of passing out, the world a seesawing haze, but then it steadies and Poe feels John standing there, hanging on to him, and he could cry from gratitude.
His bodies tries for round three, but there’s not much left to wring out. Poe breathes, slowly, deeply, and tells himself he’s not allowed to lay down on the alley floor and go to sleep. For one thing, John won’t let him. Breathlessly: ] Thank... thank you. Thank you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 08:06 pm (UTC)[ He knocks back another shot of something, he doesn’t remember or care what, and corrects himself with a cough: ] I got her killed.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 08:40 pm (UTC)[Poe's state is starting to make a lot more sense. There's a gentle pause as John thinks about what to say. Heart to hearts aren't exactly his forte.]
People die in war, Poe. Lots of them. All you can do is try to save as many as you can.
I've lost a lot of good men and women, and every one of them knew what it was they were signing up for. That's what makes them brave.
Losing people, that's something you sign up for, too, when you're an officer. And it's the hardest part of the job.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 08:50 pm (UTC)[ That list of names, that reel of faces. ]
I got her killed, John, her and our bombing fleet. All hands and six escorts. And I don’t even have the fucking— [ His voice starts to rise with those last words, and he stops, cutting himself off, calming himself down. His voice is slick with alcohol and guilt and grief. ] I don’t even remember it. I can’t even give them that.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 08:59 pm (UTC)[John’s experienced the effects of time travel first-hand. This isn’t the first time he’s blipped out of a timeline.]
You live, and you learn. That’s the punishment, and privilege, of surviving failure on the battlefield.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 09:26 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 09:32 pm (UTC)[Something like a low chuckle. He can't help himself.]
Us? We’ve just got to keep going until the wheels fall off.
No rest for the wicked.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 09:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 09:51 pm (UTC)But you can tell Rose her sister is alive, living a different, better life. And maybe she even has the chance to be happy.
That’s more comfort, and closure, than most people get. It's something to hold onto.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 10:12 pm (UTC)God, I can’t go back to our room like this.
[ He can’t be this person. He doesn’t want Rey to see it. He doesn’t want Finn to be disappointed by it. ] Fuck.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 10:21 pm (UTC)Rodney’s working late. Probably all night, knowing him- and I’m not going to bed anytime soon.
Hell, I’ll come pick you up. We can walk back over.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 10:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 10:32 pm (UTC)What's the address?
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 10:36 pm (UTC)Table in the back.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 10:50 pm (UTC)[John, true to his word, is there in ten. He drank himself into the same shameful state Poe's in, in the exact same dive, his first or second night in Riverview. It's the kind of bar that doesn't ask any questions. Doesn't care who you are, or where you're from. What you're drinking away. So long as you pay your tab, anyway.
Other than the ball, this is the first time Poe will see John out of uniform. He shows up in a t-shirt and jeans beneath a faded leather aviator.
Finding Poe isn't difficult. There's no one sitting near him. That's when you know someone's in a bad way.]
Ready to march?
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 11:06 pm (UTC)There's mercy in inertia, when you're as drunk as Poe is. Sit still, stay put, and you can pour drink over drink without feeling the consequences until you let the world back in. If you're lucky, you won't let it in much longer than it takes to black out.
Poe grips the edge of the table hard, staring at a single point on it until he can say with absolute certainty that the bar isn't doing pirouettes around him. ]
Yeah.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 11:22 pm (UTC)[John smiles to nobody in particular, because really, it's nobody's damn business, and pulls one of Poe's arms over his shoulders.
He's done this before. The walk of shame, and the carry. You don't have a career in the USAF if you don't drink. Getting shitfaced is part of the training regimen. You don't make it from cadet to airman without puking on your seargeant's boots at least once.]
I'm actually kinda impressed. You might be drunker than I was when I crawled out of this joint.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-16 11:30 pm (UTC)Always scared me. When I’s a kid. [ He eases one foot in front of the other until they have their own kind of momentum. ] Lots of vets, Yavin 4. Dad knew them all. Dragged them back to the ranch sometimes. Lots of vets.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-17 12:00 am (UTC)[Putting one foot in front of the other is all that matters right now. John walks as slow as Poe needs him to. They're in no rush. It's not like either of them has anywhere to be, but where they are.
If there was any question of how much Poe's drank, it's revealed by the size of his tab. John settles the bill with a flash of his device, and without blinking.
He's just sitting on his pay anyway, with nothing and no one to spend it on, other than the occasional toy. After years of trading with settlements, and only the occasional trip to Earth, money is less important to John than it's ever been.]
I grew up on a ranch too, but I'm thinking it was pretty different. We kept show horses, mostly. A few ponies. Some dogs. My old man liked to hunt.
[And because he's used to clarifying,]
For sport. Not for food. It's stupid.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-17 12:52 am (UTC)[ Look where he is now. He's the drunk being carried home, to someone else's home. He's far gone enough that he doesn't notice John paying his bill--he's focused on the floor, on trying to keep the world as still and his nausea as controlled as possible. ]
Like fathiers. Racing? [ Poe starts to shake his head and stops just as quickly. ] We had banthas, runyips, nerfs. Milk and fur and meat. Mostly for the colony. Some exports--koyo melons, Yavin exported a lot of koyo melons. I miss those.
[ They're to the curb, at least, and Poe has to stop for a second. His grip on John tightens again. He's flicked back to the veterans Kes Dameron brought home when he thought his son was already asleep, safe and unaware. ] Hated it when they used to say they were sorry. But I know why they did, now.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-17 01:02 am (UTC)Guess I've always liked to go fast.
[John stops when Poe stops. He knows better than to push him. Hopefully the fresh air will do him some good.
It's a crisp, slightly windy night. Good for flying. Decent for walking. It's only ten minutes from the curb to the import residence tower. If they make it from here to there without Poe passing out, he'll call it a win.]
Don't be sorry. This? This is nothing. I'm used to people who start swinging when they get a little hooch in them, and trust me when I say you don't want to fight a drunk Athosian.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-17 01:09 am (UTC)[ He closes his eyes, swallows, feels another hot twist of self-loathing. This is not the legacy of Shara Bey. Not him getting drunk, not him losing that fleet. This is not the son he should be for her.
He lowers his head and almost, almost throws up. Starts to push John away just in case, but then he's got it under control, for the most part, except where he's tilting sideways, one leg giving out underneath him. ]
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-17 01:26 am (UTC)For all his problems with his family, and his struggle to meet his father's expectations, John knows his childhood was charmed. He wanted for nothing, except for his father's acceptance and love. The latter of which John probably always had, to some degree. Even if he was a disappointment.
The boy who had everything, and threw it all away. Story of John's life.
Poe starts to go down, and John catches him mid-slide by locking both arms around his waist. He hauls him back up with a grunt, maybe a little too roughly, so they both go stumbling backwards.]
You're okay! You're okay. If you've gotta be sick, we can find a little privacy-
[He pat-rubs Poe's back reassuringly while looking over his shoulder for the nearest dark side street, just in case.
A man has his pride, and Poe has more than most.]
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-17 01:34 am (UTC)I'm sorry, he thinks, hating the words.
Poe presses his forehead against John's shoulder and shudders. ]
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-17 01:41 am (UTC)[John will be doing enough worrying for the both of them.
He's hauling ass, his and Poe's, as quickly as he can to the mouth of the nearest alley. It's dark, and narrow, and if John stands with his back facing the road no one can see them.
John gently peels Poe away from himself, propping him against the brick wall, and supporting his upper back and stomach between his hands.]
Alright, here we go. Just let it all out. You'll feel better after. Promise.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-01-17 01:52 am (UTC)His bodies tries for round three, but there’s not much left to wring out. Poe breathes, slowly, deeply, and tells himself he’s not allowed to lay down on the alley floor and go to sleep. For one thing, John won’t let him. Breathlessly: ] Thank... thank you. Thank you.
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