And now you're questioning it? I think we all go through that, at some point. Our reasons for fighting change. Have to change, because people change. The world changes.
[ For a second she doesn't answer, just closes her eyes and tilts her head back to rest against the bars that support the railing. She could just not tell him.
(Except she remembers him hugging her, and she finds herself wishing for that again.) ]
[John's voice raises slightly with alarm. He's already pulling on his boots, throwing his jacket back on to head outside while he's still on the horn with her.]
I could use some fresh air. Be there in a minute.
[And he is. Didn't even wait for the elevator, just ran up the stairs all the way to the top. He stops just inside the door to catch his breath, and steel himself, before stepping out onto the rooftop.]
[She looks up when he steps out onto the roof. ] I like it.
[ It reminds her of Tom, his little overlook. It's not as safe to dangle her feet over the edge up here, which doesn't mean she hasn't done it. There's something comforting in the electricity of nerves that comes with hanging yourself over open air. Like the body saying Yes, you're alive, it's okay.
There's probably something wrong with that. John probably wouldn't like it if he knew.
She hugs her jacket around herself without getting up. ]
Particularly when it's cold. No one's up here when it's cold. Toothless, sometimes, with Hiccup. But they're not bad company.
[John walks over to her, pulling off his own jacket and dropping it on her head.
He folds his arms over his chest, looking over the edge of the rooftop at the glittering skyline. It's a nice view. Would be nicer if he hadn't come up here half expecting to see Chylar standing on a ledge, mentally prepared to talk her down.
John knows what war does to a person. It makes you seek out quiet, dark places, to indulge your quiet, dark thoughts. Away from where anyone can stop you from thinking them.
He's stood on the ledge before.]
What kind of name is Toothless? That one of those weird as hell vikings? Be careful around them. They're nuts, and they probably have lice. Or fleas. Maybe both.
[ Dom whines up at John as Chyler straightens to put on the jacket. The dog is the only reason she's not on the ledge. She couldn't do it in front of him, because of him. It didn't feel right. ]
Toothless is Hiccup's dragon. [ She smiles a little at that. She's met a dragon. Then: ] I've only met one viking, and he was a shapeshifter.
[ Chyler shakes her head. ] Sometimes I think about the things I've seen here and I feel crazy.
[John reaches down to pat Dom's head. He's not really a dog guy, but he's appreciative for all the dog has done for Chyler. Not because she needed canine protection, but something warm and furry that would love her unconditionally.]
A dragon? Cool, okay. No big deal. I'm only slightly jealous.
[John looks back at her.]
Yeah, me too. But you're not. All any of us can do is roll with the weirdness.
He's very sweet. I've gone flying with him and Hiccup.
[ For a second her expression brightens, the sadness fades. But then it's back. She runs her hands over Dom's ears, the way she did when she was a child and he was a puppy. ]
I'm so tired of being knocked down.
[ John is the only one she would make that kind of admission to. No one else, not even Finn. She wants to be strong for Finn. But John is the first person she's ever known who lets her be weak. ]
[Not that John would've stopped her. If someone asked him if he'd like to fly on the back of a dragon, you can bet your ass he would say yes. Even if it wound up biting his hand off.
It doesn't surprise him that Chyler's the same. They're so similar in so many ways. Too many ways. John doesn't want her to be a miniature version of himself. He wouldn't wish that on anyone. Least of all Chyler.
She's a good girl. A sweet girl. His girl.
She deserves better than to spend the rest of her life like he has. Alone in a crowd, and always looking over her shoulder. Wondering when any one of her hundred demons is finally going to catch up and bite her in the ass.]
I know, Chy, but I can tell you from experience that knocking yourself down doesn't keep it from happening. It's just a faster way to the bottom.
[ She looks up at him guiltily. ] I was going to. We kept going out on missions and I forgot.
[ Kind of a hard thing to forget to tell someone, but she's used to the idea of John knowing most of what goes on in her life.
She settles deeper into his jacket, comforted by the weight of it, the smell of well-tended leather. For a little while she can't say anything, trying to sort out her thoughts. ]
I'm a soldier. [ The statement is as much to see if it still rings true as it is part of what she's trying to say. ] I've planned on being a soldier since I was old enough to understand what that meant. I told you, I've never had a problem with the idea of killing. I've seen enough people die. Death is simple. It's the same for everyone. Soldiers bring death, that's what we do.
[ She's quiet again. Dom shifts to rest his head on her lap. ] People keep telling me to be something else. I don't know how to be anything else.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2018-04-15 01:14 am (UTC)[John's worried. He can't help it.]
Where are you, Chy?
(no subject)
Date: 2018-04-20 05:24 pm (UTC)(Except she remembers him hugging her, and she finds herself wishing for that again.) ]
On the roof.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-04-21 06:06 pm (UTC)[John's voice raises slightly with alarm. He's already pulling on his boots, throwing his jacket back on to head outside while he's still on the horn with her.]
I could use some fresh air. Be there in a minute.
[And he is. Didn't even wait for the elevator, just ran up the stairs all the way to the top. He stops just inside the door to catch his breath, and steel himself, before stepping out onto the rooftop.]
Kinda chilly up here.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-04-22 02:36 am (UTC)[ It reminds her of Tom, his little overlook. It's not as safe to dangle her feet over the edge up here, which doesn't mean she hasn't done it. There's something comforting in the electricity of nerves that comes with hanging yourself over open air. Like the body saying Yes, you're alive, it's okay.
There's probably something wrong with that. John probably wouldn't like it if he knew.
She hugs her jacket around herself without getting up. ]
Particularly when it's cold. No one's up here when it's cold. Toothless, sometimes, with Hiccup. But they're not bad company.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-04-22 10:10 pm (UTC)[John walks over to her, pulling off his own jacket and dropping it on her head.
He folds his arms over his chest, looking over the edge of the rooftop at the glittering skyline. It's a nice view. Would be nicer if he hadn't come up here half expecting to see Chylar standing on a ledge, mentally prepared to talk her down.
John knows what war does to a person. It makes you seek out quiet, dark places, to indulge your quiet, dark thoughts. Away from where anyone can stop you from thinking them.
He's stood on the ledge before.]
What kind of name is Toothless? That one of those weird as hell vikings? Be careful around them. They're nuts, and they probably have lice. Or fleas. Maybe both.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-04-27 02:16 am (UTC)Toothless is Hiccup's dragon. [ She smiles a little at that. She's met a dragon. Then: ] I've only met one viking, and he was a shapeshifter.
[ Chyler shakes her head. ] Sometimes I think about the things I've seen here and I feel crazy.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-05-06 08:28 pm (UTC)A dragon? Cool, okay. No big deal. I'm only slightly jealous.
[John looks back at her.]
Yeah, me too. But you're not. All any of us can do is roll with the weirdness.
Resist, and it'll just knock you down.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-05-20 02:34 pm (UTC)[ For a second her expression brightens, the sadness fades. But then it's back. She runs her hands over Dom's ears, the way she did when she was a child and he was a puppy. ]
I'm so tired of being knocked down.
[ John is the only one she would make that kind of admission to. No one else, not even Finn. She wants to be strong for Finn. But John is the first person she's ever known who lets her be weak. ]
(no subject)
Date: 2018-06-24 07:31 am (UTC)[Not that John would've stopped her. If someone asked him if he'd like to fly on the back of a dragon, you can bet your ass he would say yes. Even if it wound up biting his hand off.
It doesn't surprise him that Chyler's the same. They're so similar in so many ways. Too many ways. John doesn't want her to be a miniature version of himself. He wouldn't wish that on anyone. Least of all Chyler.
She's a good girl. A sweet girl. His girl.
She deserves better than to spend the rest of her life like he has. Alone in a crowd, and always looking over her shoulder. Wondering when any one of her hundred demons is finally going to catch up and bite her in the ass.]
I know, Chy, but I can tell you from experience that knocking yourself down doesn't keep it from happening. It's just a faster way to the bottom.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-06-24 08:41 pm (UTC)[ Kind of a hard thing to forget to tell someone, but she's used to the idea of John knowing most of what goes on in her life.
She settles deeper into his jacket, comforted by the weight of it, the smell of well-tended leather. For a little while she can't say anything, trying to sort out her thoughts. ]
I'm a soldier. [ The statement is as much to see if it still rings true as it is part of what she's trying to say. ] I've planned on being a soldier since I was old enough to understand what that meant. I told you, I've never had a problem with the idea of killing. I've seen enough people die. Death is simple. It's the same for everyone. Soldiers bring death, that's what we do.
[ She's quiet again. Dom shifts to rest his head on her lap. ] People keep telling me to be something else. I don't know how to be anything else.