[John isn't sure he wants to hear what Poe has to say, but it's not like he has any say in the matter, and... he's been avoiding this for so long. Too long. Instead of addressing their broken hearts, they ignored the damage and left them to fester.
And that's how they got here, to this ugly place, where the only options are to clean the wound or amputate the limb. John has to make a choice. There's no more delaying.
His heart can't take much more of this, and neither can Poe's. It's now or never.]
I...
[He swallows hard. Poe's anger burns hot and bright. He's always been a star to John. A beautiful, distant thing to wish admire and wish upon from afar. When they're this close, Poe's almost too much. John can feel the emotion radiating out from him, and it's so powerful he wants to flinch away.
Wants to, but doesn't. He owes Poe that much. Owes this, whatever this is.]
I wasn't punishing you. I was protecting myself. Because I never stopped wanting you, and it never stopped hurting.
When you said that, at the end, it was like losing you all over again in the same way. Like a goddamn curse.
[He looks away, chin tucked in towards his chest, his eyes fixed on a spot somewhere on the floor. There's a slight tremble to his lower lip when he speaks again.]
I want to try, but I don't know if I can take it, y'know?
[His voice keeps getting smaller, and more stilted. His throat thicker and tighter with emotion.]
You're stronger than I am, that way. In more than that way.
[ He's soft-voiced, now. He cups John's chin gently, lifts his face so they're looking each other in the face again.
Poe kisses him, gently, lips pressed to lips, the tip of his tongue brushing John's mouth.
He can smell the coffee and the soap this place supplies, and the undertone of John, sweat and gunmetal. He presses his forehead against the other man's, still gentle. ]
I just love you, John.
[ His free hand goes around John's waist, not tight, not possessive--John can move away and Poe won't stop him. ]
I love your spirit. I love your strength. I love how much you love, even if....
[ A pause, and he closes his eyes. ] Even when it scares you.
I love you. I want to try to do this, to do it right. I want every minute we can have.
[ He's so tired. Heart and soul. He left part of himself in Riverview, and he's not sure it ever came back, even when John showed up. His spirit had been amputated and cauterized, and the only thing that had happened in Hadriel was infection.
Maybe they will die here. Maybe it will stick this time. But maybe that would be okay, if they could do it together. ]
[Poe's saying everything John's ever wanted to hear, and he's scared of how badly he wants it to be true. How willing he is to overlook everything, all of the hurt, conflict, and the flashing, neon-bright signs from the universe itself saying that they shouldn't be together.
Except here they are again. Together. After everything. Two men from different universes, who found each other, lost each other, and defying all odds, found each other again.
With Poe's mouth against his mouth, and arm around his waist, it occurs to John that maybe the universe isn't trying to tell them to give up.
Maybe the universe is telling them to try again.
He pulls back to look at Poe's face. He looks older than he did a day ago, more tired, more raw, more beautiful, somehow, in spite of the wear and tear. War is hard. Grief is heavy. Command is thankless. Nothing gets easier.
Poe's right. There isn't a good time. There isn't enough time to keep waiting for that perfect moment that will never come.
John's eyes lock onto Poe's eyes, and for the first time in this conversation, he doesn't stop himself from losing himself in them. It feels like jumping out of a plane without a parachute.
Every pilot's dream.]
Okay. We can try.
[He lifts his hands to Poe's shoulders, then moves them to cup Poe's face.
Quietly, because he's a private man, and even when they're alone the air between them feels an audience.]
I... love you, too. Never stopped. Not even when I hated you. I always loved you more.
[ Poe sags, relief washing through him in a tidal wave. He's not sure what he would have done if John hadn't said some kind of yes. He has no idea. Fallen apart again, broken completely.
But here, instead, is something good. Something precious and breakable to hold on to in this awful place.
He rests his forehead against John's, closing his eyes, trying to swallow the knot constricting throat and voice. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2019-06-12 09:46 pm (UTC)And that's how they got here, to this ugly place, where the only options are to clean the wound or amputate the limb. John has to make a choice. There's no more delaying.
His heart can't take much more of this, and neither can Poe's. It's now or never.]
I...
[He swallows hard. Poe's anger burns hot and bright. He's always been a star to John. A beautiful, distant thing to wish admire and wish upon from afar. When they're this close, Poe's almost too much. John can feel the emotion radiating out from him, and it's so powerful he wants to flinch away.
Wants to, but doesn't. He owes Poe that much. Owes this, whatever this is.]
I wasn't punishing you. I was protecting myself. Because I never stopped wanting you, and it never stopped hurting.
When you said that, at the end, it was like losing you all over again in the same way. Like a goddamn curse.
[He looks away, chin tucked in towards his chest, his eyes fixed on a spot somewhere on the floor. There's a slight tremble to his lower lip when he speaks again.]
I want to try, but I don't know if I can take it, y'know?
[His voice keeps getting smaller, and more stilted. His throat thicker and tighter with emotion.]
You're stronger than I am, that way. In more than that way.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-06-12 10:04 pm (UTC)[ He's soft-voiced, now. He cups John's chin gently, lifts his face so they're looking each other in the face again.
Poe kisses him, gently, lips pressed to lips, the tip of his tongue brushing John's mouth.
He can smell the coffee and the soap this place supplies, and the undertone of John, sweat and gunmetal. He presses his forehead against the other man's, still gentle. ]
I just love you, John.
[ His free hand goes around John's waist, not tight, not possessive--John can move away and Poe won't stop him. ]
I love your spirit. I love your strength. I love how much you love, even if....
[ A pause, and he closes his eyes. ] Even when it scares you.
I love you. I want to try to do this, to do it right. I want every minute we can have.
[ He's so tired. Heart and soul. He left part of himself in Riverview, and he's not sure it ever came back, even when John showed up. His spirit had been amputated and cauterized, and the only thing that had happened in Hadriel was infection.
Maybe they will die here. Maybe it will stick this time. But maybe that would be okay, if they could do it together. ]
(no subject)
Date: 2019-06-13 10:36 pm (UTC)Except here they are again. Together. After everything. Two men from different universes, who found each other, lost each other, and defying all odds, found each other again.
With Poe's mouth against his mouth, and arm around his waist, it occurs to John that maybe the universe isn't trying to tell them to give up.
Maybe the universe is telling them to try again.
He pulls back to look at Poe's face. He looks older than he did a day ago, more tired, more raw, more beautiful, somehow, in spite of the wear and tear. War is hard. Grief is heavy. Command is thankless. Nothing gets easier.
Poe's right. There isn't a good time. There isn't enough time to keep waiting for that perfect moment that will never come.
John's eyes lock onto Poe's eyes, and for the first time in this conversation, he doesn't stop himself from losing himself in them. It feels like jumping out of a plane without a parachute.
Every pilot's dream.]
Okay. We can try.
[He lifts his hands to Poe's shoulders, then moves them to cup Poe's face.
Quietly, because he's a private man, and even when they're alone the air between them feels an audience.]
I... love you, too. Never stopped. Not even when I hated you. I always loved you more.
(no subject)
Date: 2019-06-17 07:14 pm (UTC)But here, instead, is something good. Something precious and breakable to hold on to in this awful place.
He rests his forehead against John's, closing his eyes, trying to swallow the knot constricting throat and voice. ]
Thank you. I love you. Thank you.