[ He wishes any of it surprised him. He wishes he didn't understand why John would think it. But he does, he gets it, and every word sinks like a stone into him, adding weight to everything dragging him down.
He swallows, throat tight, and then says: ]
My turn.
[ He doesn't ask for permission. He doesn't wait for John to decide that maybe he doesn't want to hear what's going on from the other end. He doesn't wait to second-guess himself. He just starts talking. ]
I've missed you since I ran away. I've wanted to be with you since I realized what I lost. I knew it was my fault. I knew I had to prove to you that I deserved another chance. And you never let me do it. You've been punishing me for screwing things up ever since it happened. Every time I tried to... to explain, or to talk to you, you shut me down or shut me out.
You told me you didn't want anything to do with me, and then you busted in to a cave full of cultists and saved my life. And when I tried to talk to you after, it was like that never happened. Like it was an obligation. Like it didn't mean shit.
Then you tell me... what happened with Kylo Ren, and I thought--
[ He swallows, fists clenching and unclenching, instinct more than anger. But he is angry, isn't he? There's a part of him that is angry. He's been trying for so long, it feels like. He's wanted this for so long, and every time he gets close he gets punished for wanting it so much. ]
We might die, yeah. We might die, and maybe none of this will mean anything to anyone else, but it matters to us, it matters right now, and I--
[ He licks his lips, lifting his gaze to John's beautiful, beautiful eyes. ]
You act like there's ever going to be a good time for me to say I love you, but guess what, John. There's never going to be a good time. Never. So... [ Deep breath. Exhale. ] Do you want to take the chance to have something we can carry with us when we leave? I'm willing. I want to try. But you have to be willing to try too.
[ He can't stop himself from touching the spot on John's shirt where the tags would hang, brushing his thumb across fabric. ] Do you want me to say it, or do you want your tags back? Because... I think that's where we are.
no subject
He swallows, throat tight, and then says: ]
My turn.
[ He doesn't ask for permission. He doesn't wait for John to decide that maybe he doesn't want to hear what's going on from the other end. He doesn't wait to second-guess himself. He just starts talking. ]
I've missed you since I ran away. I've wanted to be with you since I realized what I lost. I knew it was my fault. I knew I had to prove to you that I deserved another chance. And you never let me do it. You've been punishing me for screwing things up ever since it happened. Every time I tried to... to explain, or to talk to you, you shut me down or shut me out.
You told me you didn't want anything to do with me, and then you busted in to a cave full of cultists and saved my life. And when I tried to talk to you after, it was like that never happened. Like it was an obligation. Like it didn't mean shit.
Then you tell me... what happened with Kylo Ren, and I thought--
[ He swallows, fists clenching and unclenching, instinct more than anger. But he is angry, isn't he? There's a part of him that is angry. He's been trying for so long, it feels like. He's wanted this for so long, and every time he gets close he gets punished for wanting it so much. ]
We might die, yeah. We might die, and maybe none of this will mean anything to anyone else, but it matters to us, it matters right now, and I--
[ He licks his lips, lifting his gaze to John's beautiful, beautiful eyes. ]
You act like there's ever going to be a good time for me to say I love you, but guess what, John. There's never going to be a good time. Never. So... [ Deep breath. Exhale. ] Do you want to take the chance to have something we can carry with us when we leave? I'm willing. I want to try. But you have to be willing to try too.
[ He can't stop himself from touching the spot on John's shirt where the tags would hang, brushing his thumb across fabric. ] Do you want me to say it, or do you want your tags back? Because... I think that's where we are.